Less of me, more of Him. Right? Right. It sounds so easy to surrender all your worries, plans, dreams, and thoughts to God… until you hit a snag in the road. Until you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. A huge semi-truck carrying tons of iron. A huge semi-truck carrying tons of iron that keeps running you over and over again. Okay, you get it. We’ve all been through that season in life where trials and pain just keep hitting you over and over. God is trying to teach us that we can’t do life on our own – we need Him.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamaties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]
This season of my life is literally screaming “DUDE, I’M SO WEAK RIGHT NOW.”
I consider myself an “old fashioned” type of woman. I married young and one day want to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. However, my dream of having children has not come true yet. To be completely honest, having and raising children is my deepest desire. I want to be a momma so badly. I’ve struggled with feeling very less-than because I can’t seem to get pregnant or keep a stable pregnancy. I feel like this is my mission and desire, to have children – and I can’t even do that. I feel like less of a woman. I mean, I’m a woman! I should be able to carry children because that’s how God made my body.
Less of me, more of Him. I’ve had the hardest time giving myself over to God. Surrendering my dreams… surrending my idealistic dream of what my life was supposed to look like right now. I can hear God laughing at “my idea” of life. Because it’s not my life, it’s Him living through me.
God has really been working in my heart. I feel like he’s lovingly slapped me in the face a few times. He has reminded me through my encouraging husband that everything will happen in His timing – not mine. That is so hard for me to hear and accept. But everyday God reminds me of this and I can hear Him so clearly.
I have hope and faith.
“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” [Romans 5:3-5]
I don’t know if I will ever have natural children. But I know that God knows the desires of mine and Ben’s hearts. I don’t know what God will do in our lives, but I trust him anyway! I do know that when it’s dark, sad, hopeless and painful – God shows up when you give it all to Him.
Right now, in this season of my life, I’m clinging to the story of Samuel. The Lord had closed Hannah’s womb. She so desperately wanted children! She weeped in anguish and poured out her heart, asking God to remember her and to bring her a son. The Lord remembered Hannah and opened her womb and she gave birth to a son, Samuel. [1 Samuel 1:1-20] This story is SO inspiring and I cling to it. The Lord is a loving and merciful God and can bring miracles.
“He gives the barren woman a family, making her a joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!” [Psalm 113:9]
“And Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived.” [Genesis 25:21]
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” [1 Samuel 1:27]
God mentions in the bible that when we are tested and are under trial that it produces our character, strengthens our faith, and brings us closer to God because we have to lean and depend on Him. I’m going to stop resisting and trying to handle life on my own. I know God is waiting for me to hand it all over to him… my dreams of becoming a mother, my worries about infertility, my heartache over losing my baby, EVERYTHING! So I am.
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” [James 1:12]
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” [James 1:2-4]
“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7]
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 4:7]
The Lord knows my heart. He knows Ben’s heart. I have faith he will provide and fulfill our heart’s desires.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” [Psalm 37:4-5]
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” [Romans 8:28] – I love this verse!
“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” [Proverbs 16:9]
“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” [Matthew 6:33]
I have faith and will keep trusting God because he tells me to. I will seek Him first because he tells me to. He makes all things work together for my good! He will take my broken and make me beautiful. Everyday, I’m reminding myself to let go and let God. I believe in faith that once I let go of control, He will do something in mine and Ben’s lives that we never would have imagined or dreamed of. I’m choosing to trust Him through it all. I’m letting go and letting God!