Letting Go; Letting God

Less of me, more of Him. Right? Right. It sounds so easy to surrender all your worries, plans, dreams, and thoughts to God… until you hit a snag in the road. Until you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. A huge semi-truck carrying tons of iron. A huge semi-truck carrying tons of iron that keeps running you over and over again. Okay, you get it. We’ve all been through that season in life where trials and pain just keep hitting you over and over. God is trying to teach us that we can’t do life on our own – we need Him.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamaties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]

This season of my life is literally screaming “DUDE, I’M SO WEAK RIGHT NOW.” 

Get out of my life

What I wish I could tell this season of my life to do.


I consider myself an “old fashioned” type of woman. I married young and one day want to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. However, my dream of having children has not come true yet. To be completely honest, having and raising children is my deepest desire. I want to be a momma so badly. I’ve struggled with feeling very less-than because I can’t seem to get pregnant or keep a stable pregnancy. I feel like this is my mission and desire, to have children – and I can’t even do that. I feel like less of a woman. I mean, I’m a woman! I should be able to carry children because that’s how God made my body.

Less of me, more of Him. I’ve had the hardest time giving myself over to God. Surrendering my dreams… surrending my idealistic dream of what my life was supposed to look like right now. I can hear God laughing at “my idea” of life. Because it’s not my life, it’s Him living through me.

God has really been working in my heart. I feel like he’s lovingly slapped me in the face a few times. He has reminded me through my encouraging husband that everything will happen in His timing – not mine. That is so hard for me to hear and accept. But everyday God reminds me of this and I can hear Him so clearly.

I have hope and faith.

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” [Romans 5:3-5]

I don’t know if I will ever have natural children. But I know that God knows the desires of mine and Ben’s hearts. I don’t know what God will do in our lives, but I trust him anyway! I do know that when it’s dark, sad, hopeless and painful – God shows up when you give it all to Him.

Right now, in this season of my life, I’m clinging to the story of Samuel. The Lord had closed Hannah’s womb. She so desperately wanted children! She weeped in anguish and poured out her heart, asking God to remember her and to bring her a son. The Lord remembered Hannah and opened her womb and she gave birth to a son, Samuel. [1 Samuel 1:1-20] This story is SO inspiring and I cling to it. The Lord is a loving and merciful God and can bring miracles.

“He gives the barren woman a family, making her a joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!” [Psalm 113:9]

“And Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren. And the Lord granted his prayer, and Rebekah his wife conceived.” [Genesis 25:21]

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” [1 Samuel 1:27]

God mentions in the bible that when we are tested and are under trial that it produces our character, strengthens our faith, and brings us closer to God because we have to lean and depend on Him. I’m going to stop resisting and trying to handle life on my own. I know God is waiting for me to hand it all over to him… my dreams of becoming a mother, my worries about infertility, my heartache over losing my baby, EVERYTHING! So I am.

“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” [James 1:12]

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” [James 1:2-4]

“Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7]

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 4:7]

The Lord knows my heart. He knows Ben’s heart. I have faith he will provide and fulfill our heart’s desires.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.” [Psalm 37:4-5]

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” [Romans 8:28] – I love this verse!

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” [Proverbs 16:9]

“But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” [Matthew 6:33]

I have faith and will keep trusting God because he tells me to. I will seek Him first because he tells me to. He makes all things work together for my good! He will take my broken and make me beautiful. Everyday, I’m reminding myself to let go and let God. I believe in faith that once I let go of control, He will do something in mine and Ben’s lives that we never would have imagined or dreamed of. I’m choosing to trust Him through it all. I’m letting go and letting God!


The “M” Word

This topic is not often discussed. Women feel ashamed to talked about it, but they shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t either, but I do. This is hard. I feel very raw and completely transparent.

Miscarriage. This is a devastating topic to discuss, so it is usually avoided. Or you have some who believe you will simply “get over it”. This could not be farther from reality.

I miscarried 3 months ago and desperately needed someone to relate to. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay; that what I was feeling was normal. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. Every feeling is okay. You are going to be okay.

“The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.”  [Psalm 34:18]

I found out I was pregnant mid April of this year. My husband, Ben, and I were ecstatic. I took three tests just to be sure. I was definitely pregnant. The next day I called my healthcare provider and went in for the good ol’ urine test. As I was waiting in my room, I heard the nurses and my doctor giggling. They walked in and congratulated me, saying I was “very” pregnant. Everything was going just as I had always dreamt it would.

Ben and I went in for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and we saw our sweet baby. It had a strong heartbeat and looked great. My due date was December 26, 2015. We told our immediate family and grandparents so that they could be praying for my pregnancy; meanwhile, we decided we were going to wait until I was 12 weeks along to announce publicly.

It was hard to hide that I was pregnant. I was literally STARVING all the time. Like seriously, I could have eaten all the live long day. I was peeing all the time, exhausted and was nauseous (luckily I wasn’t deathly ill like I know most momma’s are!). I started showing at 10 weeks. My cover was blown, pretty much everyone around me knew I was pregnant – and I was totally okay with that.


I was almost 11 weeks in this picture.

Let me back track so you can understand what is going to happen. A few months before we found out I was pregnant, we felt the Lord pulling us to move to Texas. Ben and I currently lived in California, so it was going to be a huge change. After we found out I was pregnant, our plans did not waver. We decided Ben would leave first and find a job in Texas and I would follow shortly after. This was our plan. We believed in faith that the Lord would provide for us.

Now, back to where we were. Ben and I decided it was time to share our blissful news. We shared our news with our friends and family and everyone was so overjoyed for us! I cannot express how thrilled Ben and I were to be having this sweet child of ours.

Ben was leaving for Texas on June 8 and my 12 week ultrasound was scheduled for that morning as well. Ben left early that morning and I was so hormonal and emotional – it was terrible. Of course we wanted him there for all my ultrasounds, but we both knew stability was what we ultimately needed. I went to my appointment and I was informed my doctor was running about an hour late; I agreed to wait. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I knew something was wrong. I wholeheartedly believe the Lord was preparing my heart for what was about to come. Being human, I tried to brush it aside and forget about the sinking feeling in my heart.

I finally was called back and my ultrasound was being prepared. She smeared that cold jelly all over my tummy and started. She stared at the screen. Right in that moment, I knew. She told me not to worry. She tried desperately to find a heartbeat. But alas, there was no heartbeat. I was sent off to another ultrasound tech who confirmed to me that my sweet baby was no longer alive. How could this be happening? I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I honestly wished I had died instead. I was alone. Ben wasn’t there. My husband, my rock wasn’t there. It was only me. I felt exposed, raw and tender.

I wept. And I wept. And I wept. I still cry to this day. 3 months later and I am still healing. I’ve decided that I will never not feel the loss. You just learn to live with the loss. I’ve learned to live with the feeling that my baby should still be in my tummy. That I should have a newborn this December. This is okay to feel. You need to feel to heal. To those who might be grieving right now, you need to feel to heal. There is NO getting over a loss like this. You must allow yourself time to heal; give yourself time and grieve.

Here are some verses that have helped me through this season in my life.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  [Romans 8:37-39]

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” [1 Peter 1:6-7]

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days were ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” [Psalm 139:13-16]

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” [Romans 8:18]

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7]

“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” [John 13:7] *note: read the chapter to understand the context of verse. I do not wish to take verses out of context.

No one might understand the pain you are going through right now. No one might have the right words to say to you. In fact, your friends and family might say all the wrong things to you. Don’t hold it against them, they have never had to deal with this before either. I do not know why God took my baby home so early, but I do know this has brought Ben & I closer to God and each other. God’s purpose for my baby’s life was different than my purpose for my baby’s life.

My life and heart is forever changed. I will always wonder who my child would have become. Would they have looked like Ben? Or me? There are so many questions that we will never have the answers to. I am the momma of an angel baby. Some day, the pain will ease. For now, I will praise my Jesus for the time I had with my sweet child & look forward to the day when I can hold him/her in heaven.