The “M” Word

This topic is not often discussed. Women feel ashamed to talked about it, but they shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t either, but I do. This is hard. I feel very raw and completely transparent.

Miscarriage. This is a devastating topic to discuss, so it is usually avoided. Or you have some who believe you will simply “get over it”. This could not be farther from reality.

I miscarried 3 months ago and desperately needed someone to relate to. I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay; that what I was feeling was normal. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. Every feeling is okay. You are going to be okay.

“The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.”  [Psalm 34:18]

I found out I was pregnant mid April of this year. My husband, Ben, and I were ecstatic. I took three tests just to be sure. I was definitely pregnant. The next day I called my healthcare provider and went in for the good ol’ urine test. As I was waiting in my room, I heard the nurses and my doctor giggling. They walked in and congratulated me, saying I was “very” pregnant. Everything was going just as I had always dreamt it would.

Ben and I went in for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and we saw our sweet baby. It had a strong heartbeat and looked great. My due date was December 26, 2015. We told our immediate family and grandparents so that they could be praying for my pregnancy; meanwhile, we decided we were going to wait until I was 12 weeks along to announce publicly.

It was hard to hide that I was pregnant. I was literally STARVING all the time. Like seriously, I could have eaten all the live long day. I was peeing all the time, exhausted and was nauseous (luckily I wasn’t deathly ill like I know most momma’s are!). I started showing at 10 weeks. My cover was blown, pretty much everyone around me knew I was pregnant – and I was totally okay with that.


I was almost 11 weeks in this picture.

Let me back track so you can understand what is going to happen. A few months before we found out I was pregnant, we felt the Lord pulling us to move to Texas. Ben and I currently lived in California, so it was going to be a huge change. After we found out I was pregnant, our plans did not waver. We decided Ben would leave first and find a job in Texas and I would follow shortly after. This was our plan. We believed in faith that the Lord would provide for us.

Now, back to where we were. Ben and I decided it was time to share our blissful news. We shared our news with our friends and family and everyone was so overjoyed for us! I cannot express how thrilled Ben and I were to be having this sweet child of ours.

Ben was leaving for Texas on June 8 and my 12 week ultrasound was scheduled for that morning as well. Ben left early that morning and I was so hormonal and emotional – it was terrible. Of course we wanted him there for all my ultrasounds, but we both knew stability was what we ultimately needed. I went to my appointment and I was informed my doctor was running about an hour late; I agreed to wait. As I was sitting in the waiting room, I knew something was wrong. I wholeheartedly believe the Lord was preparing my heart for what was about to come. Being human, I tried to brush it aside and forget about the sinking feeling in my heart.

I finally was called back and my ultrasound was being prepared. She smeared that cold jelly all over my tummy and started. She stared at the screen. Right in that moment, I knew. She told me not to worry. She tried desperately to find a heartbeat. But alas, there was no heartbeat. I was sent off to another ultrasound tech who confirmed to me that my sweet baby was no longer alive. How could this be happening? I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I honestly wished I had died instead. I was alone. Ben wasn’t there. My husband, my rock wasn’t there. It was only me. I felt exposed, raw and tender.

I wept. And I wept. And I wept. I still cry to this day. 3 months later and I am still healing. I’ve decided that I will never not feel the loss. You just learn to live with the loss. I’ve learned to live with the feeling that my baby should still be in my tummy. That I should have a newborn this December. This is okay to feel. You need to feel to heal. To those who might be grieving right now, you need to feel to heal. There is NO getting over a loss like this. You must allow yourself time to heal; give yourself time and grieve.

Here are some verses that have helped me through this season in my life.

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  [Romans 8:37-39]

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.” [1 Peter 1:6-7]

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days were ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” [Psalm 139:13-16]

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” [Romans 8:18]

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” [1 Peter 5:7]

“Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” [John 13:7] *note: read the chapter to understand the context of verse. I do not wish to take verses out of context.

No one might understand the pain you are going through right now. No one might have the right words to say to you. In fact, your friends and family might say all the wrong things to you. Don’t hold it against them, they have never had to deal with this before either. I do not know why God took my baby home so early, but I do know this has brought Ben & I closer to God and each other. God’s purpose for my baby’s life was different than my purpose for my baby’s life.

My life and heart is forever changed. I will always wonder who my child would have become. Would they have looked like Ben? Or me? There are so many questions that we will never have the answers to. I am the momma of an angel baby. Some day, the pain will ease. For now, I will praise my Jesus for the time I had with my sweet child & look forward to the day when I can hold him/her in heaven.